Don’t Waste Your Depression

Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, The God who is our salvation. Psalm 68:19

I’m depressed. (*add Eeyore-sized sigh for emphasis*)  No, not clinically diagnosed, or even chronically depressed the way you might see an actor on a Paxil commercial.  I’m not volatile the way Faye Dunaway was in the movie, ”Mommie Dearest,” with her wide, psychotic eyes and overly smeared, bright red lipstick.

Maybe a better word is “down.”  But it’s more than that.  I’m not just feeling blue… I’m feeling down right emotional–overwhelmed–grieved.

I feel like my emotions are considerably raw and the mere fact that my husband was off to work today (like.every.other.day.) left me feeling abandoned and alone.  Or the everyday, ordinary household routine of dirty dishes has me feeling like a complete failure every time I look at them.  For those who know me, dirty dishes rarely have that effect on me.  If nothing else, it gives me the sense of a full life and good pleasure eating knowing I’ve fed my family or had a house full of guests… or both.  The fact that dirty dishes are now my arch rival is a good indicator that I’m really down-in-the-dumps down, for me anyway.

I no longer have any desire to be hospitable or have anyone over.  There’s no longing for the laughter of girlfriend fellowship that I treasure so dearly, or the musical jangling of coffee cups and tinkering sounds of forks hitting saucers filled with goodies.  There is no desire to be sociable.  This listless, yet overly emotional feeling, is another similar season for me–more on that later.

Let me take you back two weeks to the beginning of September.  Two dreaded words: poison ivy.

Yes.  There’s quite a bit in our yard.  I was out with the family cleaning up when I decided, for whatever prideful reason, that I would try to get some of the poison ivy cut down.  Hindsight being what it is, you can imagine a huge, Italy-sized, swift kick boot to my backside, today, but going forward on that day, I thought I was being gallant.  My husband and oldest son are highly allergic to the cursed weed and I’ve only had a small poison ivy reaction one other time in my life.  I thought I was the best person to deal with it.  I still might be relative to my family’s needs, but that will have to be determined later.

Fast forward one week, and I started getting little outbreaks here and there.  Not really thinking much of it, I just put some poison ivy cream on the outbreaks and went about my day.  Last Monday morning (one week ago from today) I woke up with my arms and legs looking like a heavy smokers’ convention had passed through my bedroom at night and put out their cigarettes on my appendages.  It was not pretty–not to mention the itching–*the itching*.  Anyone who has had even a touch of poison ivy knows about the itching.

I started topical ointments and used some that worked well, but more outbreaks, worse outbreaks, were coming each morning and less and less was clearing at night.  (Have I mentioned the itching?)  By Wednesday, my (very wise) husband suggested (read: commanded) I go to a walk-in clinic.  I did.

The end of one trial and the beginning of another:

The kindly, likeable doctor took one look at me and said in his gentle voice, “You are past the topical stage; you need something internal.  I’d like to give you prednisone… and an antibiotic.  You also have infections on your arms.”  Honestly, at this point, he could have said, “ I’d like to stand you on your head in a boiling cauldron of hot oil.” and I would have taken it.  As long as it helped with the burning/itching sensation, I was game.

He went over how prednisone will help: clearing the p.i. antigens out of my body, getting rid of some of the sores because my body’s immune system can now get in front of the p.i. infection in my blood stream instead of trying to play catch up, and, in general, help me heal much more quickly than if I tried to “ride it out.”  The healing possibilities, at this point, was it was not going to be any time soon if I kept on the path I was trying to walk.

But, of course, with all medications, there are some side effects and prednisone has some of the toughest.  He cautioned me about the effects on my bones (I already have knee/joint problems), jitters, depression, hallucinations, and blindness.  He emphasized constant contact with him if my p.i. or side effects took a bad turn.

I’m not unfamiliar with some of these side effects, particularly depression.  I experienced postpartum depression after the birth of each of my children.  Which is why I wanted to write about depression in general.  (I certainly am thankful that, to this date, this isn’t a “Don’t Waste Your Blindness” post.)

Depression/overly blue/down-in-the-dumps down poses some unique challenges particularly when it isn’t caused by perceived poor choices such as bad financial decisions, over eating and indulging, or watching the cartoon network for nine hours straight.  It’s like an out-of-body experience, but you’re fully in-tune and aware and experiencing your body’s every up and down emotion.  It’s like being completely dazed and listless, yet overly paranoid and neurotic at the same time.  It’s being uncaring and unsympathetic toward anything, yet crying at every drop of spilled milk.  It is depressing.

So it would seem after this cheery description that I should be hopeless, hapless and confined to a world of hurt.  But I’m not.  Please read on.

In the midst of all of this, why am I so happy, peaceful, and downright blissful?  How can there be so much contentment in the direct pathway of so much neuroses?  Why is there a grateful ocean of overwhelming joy in my heart hedging so much listlessness?  Externally, nothing makes sense; yet internally, everything is graciously positioned brought about by the gift of belief in the gospel of saving grace through Jesus Christ our Lord, Who kindly works in the heart of His own.  The gospel positions everything to offensively cure all despondent feelings of hopelessness in a much greater way than Tony Romo rallying to lead the Cowboys in an overtime win this past Sunday.  Jesus Christ is the greatest of all past, present, and future heroes.

So the challenge to me was never to figure out how to pass the time.  The issues were never how do I “rally” to get through the next few days/weeks or maybe even months.  The recurring theme in the last week has been: what to do with the season of depression to bring glory to God within the small pool of opportunity that I have during this time.  “Don’t Waste Your Depression, Kim,” has been my recurring desire.

I hope this list helps anyone who might have experienced these symptoms in the past or is walking through a valley of turmultous trouble, and desires to find more about what the world can never offer in the midst of it: hope, help, and salvation from self.

1) Look upward; not inward.  The foundation of psychology is based on a premise of looking inward, yet it is all a ruse.  I believe it’s called “introspection.”  One of the biggest hoaxes of all time in human history.  Looking inward only brings a person to more despair, heartache and problems.  This is different from biblical self-examination, but more on that later.  Introspection leads to a host of other problems (read: sins), but mostly, just the naval-gazing focal point of me, me, me.  Look up, dear friend!  Look up to Jesus Christ, Who saves from such love of self and self-indulgence.  Look up to Jesus Christ:

Matthew 11:28-30, Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. ³⁰ For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

2) Pray: pray always, pray fervently, pray continually.  The attitude and habit of prayer can take a slightly different turn when your emotional and mental state are being pressed down.  The passion for self is heightened and the sympathy for others is lessened.  It’s not inherently bad.  The Psalmists surely spent a healthy amount of time on their own laments.  But as with all case studies of the human heart, Romans 3 would tell us that there is nothing good in us, so we can easily become ensnared in the prayer routine of why me–how do I get out of this–what’s my next move–help me not feel like this–I need relief and so on.  Suddenly, a thriving prayer list has been replaced by one top seed pick: me.

I’ve learned over the years that prayer is more about submission to God on behalf of yourself and others vs. getting answers to my specific needs/questions.  It isn’t that God doesn’t hear and answer those requests.  It’s that I can’t for the life of me see anywhere in Scripture that this is the reason for prayer.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  The verses on prayer, when taken in context, have more to do with utter dependency, thankfulness and rejoicing in a Lord and Savior than ever being about me and my endless list of questions.  The Spanish Inquisition never had it so good.

So pray often, for both yourself and others, but do it with the heart of gratitude and desire to “suffer well”; not presumtion upon God’s kindness, mercy and forbearance.

Samuel understood the importance of prayer even after/in the midst of great sin by the people demanding a human king.

I Samuel 12:23-24, “Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you; but I will instruct you in the good and right way. “Only fear the LORD and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you.

3) With Blessedness Come Unexplainable Thanks and Rejoicing.  I made mention of this before, but along this line, give thanks, repeatedly, and rejoice, repeatedly.  The blessedness that is fully and perfectly expounded upon by Jesus Christ in His sermon from Matthew 5 is never tied to emotions or a mental state.  It is inextricably fettered to Jesus Christ Himself.  The aforementioned Matthew 11 passage is clear.  But we can also gain much from The Beatitudes on Matthew 5 that transcends any feelings of a heavy heart and burden from a manmade drug.  It’s not so much that the heavy, depressed feeling in one’s own being is released.  It’s more that the knowledge of the saving, atoning grace of our gracious Lord cures any and all ill-effects.  The anchor tied to your foot in the deepest ocean is solidly buoyed by the impenetrable life-preserver strapped to your back.  I hope you can rifle through that analogy.  I’m obviously not water-savvy.

The point is: How can someone feel so listless and so grateful at the same time?  It is found in Matthew 5 and passages like them.  It is found in blessedness.  It is found in Jesus Christ.

Matthew 5:3-11, Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. “Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.  “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. “Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when people ⁾insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

4) So Do It: Rejoice and Give Thanks.  As in the ”peace that passes all understanding” security and rest that comes from being blessed by a gracious, kind Savior, the ability to give thanks and rejoice should never be drowned out by the lack of desire to, if you are experiencing this deficit.  Obedience, out of love and worship for God, is all the needed reason to follow the commands in Scripture, whatever the inner turmoil.  The swirling in one’s head finds great tranquility when the export of energy is put toward rejoicing and thanking God.  Don’t “let go and let God.” No.  Fully engage and draw near to Him through rejoicing and thanksgiving.  He is near to those who place trust and belief in His completed work.

Philippians 4:4-7, Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. ⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

5) Be content.  In this society of self-ambition and pursuing “the American dream”, depression, or in my case, depression-lite, can leave you feeling all sorts of “out of it.”  Is the world passing me by?  Shouldn’t I be gaining more ground, more material goods, “redeeming the time?”  I give a resounding, “No!”  Be content in this season.  Be content with what the world would consider scraps, but the true believer considers a gracious re-charge from a protective, kindly, caring Heavenly Father more interested in rooting out sin and renewing the mind than ever gaining anything the soul can’t take with it into eternity.  Be content with God’s sovereign ruling in everything… everything in a believer’s life.  As the Apostle Paul would have it, Dare I say, rejoice?  And again I say rejoice that the work internally of conforming you to Christ far outweighs the “world passing you by.”

Romans 8:28-30, And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. ²⁹ For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; ³⁰ and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

6) Don’t Waste Your Depression. What does this really mean?  I haven’t completely figured it out and maybe I never will.  Going through postpartum and now a drug-induced depression gives me a pattern to build upon, though each trial has had its unique challenges.  Circumstances are different, yet the godly, biblical principles of reality are clear-cut.  Don’t waste your depression, or any other trial on self, self-introspection, self-indulgence and self-pity.  This is not a “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” pep speech of self-righteousness that only results in deeper delusion.  This is the activity of resting fully and being completely contented in a deep trial–whether it’s for a long time or a little moment.

If you’ve noticed, I haven’t counseled about diet, sleep habits, support groups, etc.  I can’t.  I’m not an expert in any of those categories and the needs of each unique body is more than this small gray matter could ever address. But what I hope is that I’ve addressed the spiritual aspects of depression from the start of a healthy biblical perspective… something any true believer can authoritatively formulate out of Scripture’s text.

Dear friend, don’t waste your depression, however long or short the trial, on introspection.  Use the time to have Scripture judge your thoughts and intentions which some might call “self-examination.”  Care for the inner pain and suffering with the external healing balm of the gospel and soothing salve of the mere words “God saved me.”  Nothing in this world offered as a remedy can cool the prickling heartache and feelings of utter angst, like God’s Word.

Dear sister, don’t waste your depression on the why’s of it.  Redeem this time wisely by pursuing the Who of it, found only in God-breathed words.  Not found in psychology or well-meaning counsel, but drill deep into God’s Word regarding His comfort and kindly leading in repentance and His supernatural illumination of “hearing and seeing” what a confused mental and emotional state would normally not be able to comprehend.  You will not bottom out the text… ever.

Don’t waste the time counting the diminishing pill numbers relative to the days of when you might start feeling more like your old self.  Be glad and rejoice that after this, your “old self” is passed away and your “new self” is more mature, growing more, loving more, extending more grace and mercy and bearing more fruit because of a much-needed waiting period.  Counting pills is a hopeless and fruitless endeavor and can reveal where one’s trust is.  It ought to be in the gospel of the full counsel of God; not in a decreasing synthetic drug count.

And please, don’t do as I have done in the past.  Do not be ensnared, during this trial, by the sin of justifying irritability/irrationality when displaying it in a household in words and deeds and before God in thoughts and attitudes.  For me, the beneficial  side effect of this drug is it continually brings to the surface the unrepentant sin I have that is easily suppressed by a normal functioning (read: sin-suppressing) thought process.  By God’s grace, not being able to engage through the normal set of filtering processes has enabled me to see more clearly my own judgemental tendencies and lack of utter dependency on God.

And if nothing else from this post has stirred you, please, please don’t waste your time feeling sorry for me.  It is so undeserved and so unneeded.  I am better than fine.  I am happy, I am blessed, I am healed.  No, not yet from the sickness and trial of the internal struggles of prednisone side effects; nor from the external scars of poison ivy or completely relieved from the itching of it.  But, I am, most importantly and eternally, healed from self-pity, introspection and self-condemnation.  When Jesus says His stripes have healed me, I look not externally to some physical “take up your mat and walk” miracle, but the truest of all miracles, to be healed from self!

Instead, rejoice and give thanks with me!  For the same Man who was able to heal, physically, did the much harder, dare I say (humanly) impossible work of forgiving my sins.

Throughout the hardest trials of my life, in recent years, the Lord has refocused, reshifted, reimaged my heart to Look Up to Him and His saving grace and saturated me with His healing balm in a deeper, more meaningful understanding of the gospel of salvation.

So dear friend, please don’t waste your depression, sickness, trial–whatever the all-wise King has deemed for your life.  Use it to proclaim the truth of the gospel of God’s atoning work through Jesus Christ’s perfect birth, life, death and resurrection.  God saves the likes of me, a wretched sinner.  Oh what joy!  Oh what blessedness!  Oh what peace!

I’ll end with a quote from John Piper, who has rightly influenced many with his Don’t Waste Your Life campaigns.  Here is quote recently from a physical exercise series he posted on his blog.

“So, in short, I have one life to live for Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:15). I don’t want to waste it. My approach is not mainly to lengthen it, but to maximize purity and productivity now.” ~ John Piper

But, the greatest words on the Don’t Waste Your Life movement that should be a part of all of our lives come from God’s Word:

I Corinthians 10:31, Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

 

Advertisement